When people ask me how I have been, I always reply with sufficient confidence “I have been great.” But never do I feel that way. Why do I have to lie? Why do I have to hide my true feelings from people? I simply do not know. Maybe because I do not want people to care. Yet, I want them to. I am confused. Thus, I do not know.

Never in my life did I sob so hard with the presence of my parents. I screamed my lungs out like my life depended on it. A sudden rush of my inner rage bursted out and - for a very brief moment- I felt relieved. It was a pity that the suffering did not stop there. I cried even more. Because I worried them and I was worried that they would lose their love for their only son. So they left me alone. In a place I call home but it did not feel like it. It felt foreign. If felt unknown.

I do not know where it all started. But unlike every fairytale, a bad start can finish with a bad ending. This is real life, after all, where a dream can turn to a nightmare if we don’t wake up. I broke his heart. I broke my father’s heart. So much for a promise to be there for him. I never was. I let the devil in me to take over. I let myself do sins more than I did things to gain my deeds. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was happy. 

Deed down, I never was.

Where do I go next? What do I do next? Do I still need a good pinch from this cold nightmare? Or shall I let myself die in my sleep?

Yet again, my life is back to the phase I feared to be in. The darker part of life that has everything replied with “I do not know.”

3 days ago ♥ 0 -